The behavior or response you see may not seem to match or articulate the underlying feeling, but it is usually the best way available to the child to express himself in that situation. When a child says, "I hurt," a parent should, of course, explore the physical symptoms, but also be sure to take time to explore whether the pain is actually an emotional hurt. Instead of focusing only on the anger or physical symptom your child displays, look for the deeper emotional need that may be giving rise to it. Help your child verbalize his feelings to ask for what he is really wanting or needing. For example, by saying, "It seems that there is something that you want or need right now. Do you know what that is?" or, "What are you hurting about?" you may be able to get beyond the immediate behavior or illness to a deeper concern or need. It also helps the child know that you are available and that you care about him. Be willing to be patient, listen, and help your child express what he is feeling. Sometimes all a child needs is to feel heard and to be acknowledged. Instead of quickly "kissing and making it all better," sit with your child, hold him, and acknowledge his hurt. Tell him, "I see that you are hurting," or, "I hear that you are needing more of my time," or, "You're right, it is so sad that that happened." Acknowledging your child's feelings, and helping him to articulate those feelings, may be one of the greatest gifts you can offer as a parent. It helps to build a child's self-esteem.

Children thrive in an environment that feels safe and secure, and in which they receive plenty of love, support, and guidance. Any major change, instability, or ongoing conflict will have an impact. Don't assume that a child doesn't know about family stresses unless you tell him. In fact, it is more realistic to assume that a child does know about whatever stresses there are in the family, and needs support to deal with what he is feeling. Children are like very sensitive weathervanes. They have a natural ability to pick up on feelings, conflicts, or changes in their environments. Using language your child can understand, talk about changes or conflicts in the family. Help your child to understand what is really happening so that he does not need to guess or imagine. The explanations children come up with on their own are often more frightening than the reality.

If, after you have identified a problem and addressed it in the most compassionate and complete way you know, your child's emotional upset or behavior seems unchanged or even worse, or if it is disrupting the family or his ability to function at school, it is time to seek further help. In the event of certain traumatic situations, such as a divorce or a death in the family, it is beneficial to seek counseling for your child regardless of how he seems to be handling the problem. Group or individual counseling can help your child learn to understand and express his feelings appropriately.